what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
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