How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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