I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
