Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
