I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
