So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
