Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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