I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i think i have two assholes
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
