Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
