I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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