apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
