I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
