I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Randomize
