Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
