Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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