better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
