The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
