I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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