all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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