I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
