i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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