I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
