My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
