Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
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