Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
