Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
