She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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