Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
