You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Panties = found
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