I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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