and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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