He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
