i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Randomize
