Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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