Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
