belinda wants 2 know wr u got ur butt pads
i dont wear butt pads that thang is au naturel
Yeah...right...LMAO
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
