I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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