Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
