and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
