I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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