If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize