just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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