No awkward lesbian experiences without me
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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