THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I need to sanitize my soul.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize