hotel room ftw
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
