I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
