it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Randomize
