My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
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