"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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