Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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