giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
