I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
