good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
