Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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