it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
