his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
