I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
