So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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