the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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